


Let Go

by oncetherelivedaboy



Series: The Dysfunctional Marriage of John and Alexander [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Fighting, John is done and wants out, M/M, and not the fun kind, like shouting matches in the living room, this was sad to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 17:17:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7810516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncetherelivedaboy/pseuds/oncetherelivedaboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m leaving. Just thought I’d tell you so you can’t bitch about it later in court.” He swears his heart stops, it's always him threatening to leave, John’s the levelheaded one, the one who puts up with all his shit, who makes sure that Alex takes cares of himself even when he doesn’t want to, John can’t leave. It barely registers that he’s being serious until the door slams shut behind him, and then he bolts upright racing out the door.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Go

“All you do is fucking work!” He shouts, and the words sting, because doesn’t Alex know that he’s the one who works from home. John works, but his hours are scheduled, and he doesn’t bring it home, doesn’t lock himself away for hours, days. He doesn’t say it, because this is just how Alex gets, throws his temper tantrums like a child.

“Alex, I don’t make my schedule a secret, I have to work so that we can pay for things.” 

“You’re never home and you always just fucking leave, you don’t even tell me you’re leaving.” He sighs and Alex huffs loudly. “Don’t fucking act like you’re exasperated.” 

“Alex, I told you I was leaving, I went up to the office and you told me to go away, you said you were busy.” 

“You still didn’t fucking tell me!” He keeps yelling, this is what their marriage, their lives have devolved into, shouting matches. At least they’re no longer in the tiny city apartment, where he neighbors complained and yelled back. John has been working a little more than usual, they’d given him an extra shift to cover for another nurse who was on vacation. 

“Alex..” 

“Don’t fucking ‘Alex’ me. I’m not a child!” It’s in the living room today, he’d just gotten home, was still in his scrubs, needed to change into something else, needed to sleep for a few hours, he had the next day off, couldn’t this be resolved then. 

“Ok, fine, next time I’ll tell you, and next time you’ll scream about me interrupting you instead of not telling you I’m leaving. Nothing I do pleases you!” He’s shouting now as well, and he can feel the headache forming in his temples. 

“Because you never do anything right!” At this point he doesn't care if he defuses the situation or just shuts Alex up. 

“Well I married you, so I guess I can’t!” It’s a low blow but he doesn’t care. Alex’s face falls as John takes the stairs two at a time, footsteps echoing through the whole house. Alex unmoving until he disappears from view before stepping back and collapsing onto the couch, hunched forward head in his hands, usually his hair would have been there to obscure his face but they’d cut it a few weeks ago after John had come home to him in the bathroom scissors in hand. He kicked out at the coffee table in frustration and it budged a few inches but mostly just hurt his toes. From upstairs he could hear the shower start. He didn’t understand why he was like this, why he had to pick and pick and pick until John yelled back. It only upset the both of them and afterwards Alex never understood why he did it. He’d go upstairs and apologize and John would be pissed for a little bit but after they both cooled down they’d be ok for awhile, and then Alex would feel it festering again, the annoyance, at something, anything, everything that John did. 

The time ticks by and Alex stays on the couch, staring at the long cold mug of coffee for a long time, the water had turned off a few minutes ago, and he was surprised to hear footsteps coming back down the steps, not as heavy as before and when Alex glanced up John was standing there, duffle bag in hand. 

“I’m leaving. Just thought I’d tell you so you can’t bitch about it later in court.” He swears his heart stops, it's always him threatening to leave, John’s the levelheaded one, the one who puts up with all his shit, who makes sure that Alex takes cares of himself even when he doesn’t want to, John can’t leave. It barely registers that he’s being serious until the door slams shut behind him, and then he bolts upright racing out the door.   
“John, no, John!” He grabs him by the arm as he makes his way down the porch steps, towards the car. “John, don’t leave, John.” He won’t answer him and he thinks this might be worse than when he actually yells. “John! John!” He pulls his arm out of his grasp, unlocks the driver's side door and tosses the duffel into the passenger seat. “John, please don’t leave.” This wasn’t a sudden occurrence, that John decided after one or two fights that he was leaving, no, this had been a long time coming, five years of marriage and John’s leaving was probably 7 years in the making. “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, John, John.” Alex had been caught cheating only months ago, why hasn't John left then, at least then he could have blamed Jefferson, but not this, this was all on Alex. The tears are tracking down his face as the door closes and the car starts and Alex has his hands on the door handle. “I’m sorry John!” He’s half crying half yelling, it’s still dark out but the sun will be out soon, he’s probably waking the neighbors, he doesn’t care. “John, please, please.” It’s all he can manage, the window rolls down a bit and Alex half expects him to get out of the car, take back up his bag and go back inside, and they’ll have some tea and then go take a nap together.

“Alex, let go of the car.” His voice is shaky, both hands on the wheel, still in park, Alex shakes his head. 

“No, please John, I’m sorry, I fucked up…”

“You always fucking fuck up Alex, this isn’t a one-time thing, practically every other day you yell about something, and somehow it’s my fault, and I’m done Alex, I can’t do this anymore.” 

“I can’t do anything without you John, I’m a fucking mess, I need you.” 

“You need a fucking shrink is what you need...”

“We’ll go to a marriage counselor.” He’ll say anything to get him out of the car, do anything if it means they can go back inside together. “John, please.” 

“No Alex, I’m done, you want a marriage counselor you get it put together, you call me, I’ll come to the sessions, we’ll sort it out there, but until you can get your shit together, I’m not living with you. Now, let go of the car.” He shakes his head again, gripping tighter to the handle.

“John, come inside, you’re tired, you need to sleep, it’s not safe for…”

“It’s not safe? How many times have I had to come pick you up from seedy bars, how often do you do things that aren’t safe.” 

“You’re not me, John. You’re not fucking replaceable.” 

“Safe your sappy shit for Jefferson, you replaced me with him easily enough.” 

“I was stupid, ok. I’m fucking stupid, and I’m terrible and I know I break your goddamn heart over and over again, but I fucking love you and I’m terrible and I never fucking tell you.” He’s on his knees, sobbing and gripping the door handle, knowing if he lets go he could lose John forever. “John, please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me alone.”

“Alex, let go.”

“Please John.” After a long moment he lets his hands fall to his sides.  

The car backs out of the driveway, and he’s left sobbing in his own driveway in nothing but a pair of jeans and a t-shirt on that early winter morning. 

**Author's Note:**

> Well that was somewhat depressing, really want to add more to this verse, I wrote some more of this verse earlier today.  
> If you have any requests or anything like that my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com


End file.
